But I don’t want a Monopoly on Pain

Quite a number of years ago I was part of a writer’s  group held at a lady’s house who had a passion for people to pen their memoirs. Every week it would cost $11 and we would sit around a table with yummy snacks and commence with our writing exercises  This was such a great time in my life as I was exploring another creative expression that I could add to my artistic repertoire.

I attended this group for a number of years when after some time, one of the other writers seemed to want to get out her knives an attack me every week. It came to a head one week as I was reading out a piece of my work, when she went on the war path claiming that she felt sorry for me because I was too happy!!! She just kept pouring out the wrath with a condescending attitude that left me defending my own painful experiences in life until I burst into tears and said “Why are you picking on me? Your not the only person who has experienced pain in their life???”

This woman was suffering from the grief of losing her mother to Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t seem to see past her own pain. It had tainted her view on everything that seemed to give her permission to attack anyone who had joy in their life.

Why am I thinking of this woman now after all this time?

I don’t want to become like her and think that I have a monopoly on pain.

Right now I am in a place where any advice that I receive just gets thrown back at the person because I’m done with advice. I say F you constantly in my head to anybody who annoys me and have been having public melt downs quite frequently. I am heavy with the grief of losing my mum and I am laden with the ongoing grief of having a child with a disability.

I am in battle with my soul as I do not want to feel sorry for myself and have been quick to embrace the life I have before me, yet I am tired of dealing with it. I have been finding myself feeling sadness that my child has not developed at the pace of his peers. That when I went to playgroup he’d have melt downs, that he hates the Wiggles, that he’d rather watch the NEWS then be entertained by Playschool.

I have been quick to be positive about my life and I’ve always been that person who will be okay no matter what happens in my life but right now I am suffocating  in pain and it seems like nobody gets it. I do not want to be overcome with bitterness like that women from my past, I don’t want to give myself permission to me rude to my fellow human kind. and go on the attack.

I want to be free and forgive. I want to have Grace with others. I want more of The Father’s love. I want more of Heaven’s plan. I want to swim in the river of life. I want to be healed.

It’s time to grow up

You know what I am sick of? All the hooha that surrounds the feeding of the most vulnerable people of our society; babies!!!

Just recently Koschie from Sunrise caused a stir with his discreet comment when it comes to women breast-feeding in public.  Many blogs and pictures on Facebook have displayed a good point, that nobody seems to be outraged when girls wear skimpy clothes that ride up their bum but God forbid any poor suckling infant that needs a drink at the most inconvenient time.

Yes little baby, a lot of adults in this country have a big problem when you need to have your basic human right fulfilled. They see your source of nourishment as offensive in public for some reason???

`And I’m not finished there.

You breastfeeding Nazi’s that put pressure on mum’s to breast feed, BACK OFF NOW. Some women do not get their milk and  some babies can not suck due to a medical condition, as is the case with me. Sometimes this actually happens and as the uptight society that we are when it comes to feeding infants we don’t provide support for those who have to bottle feed their baby. Aside from medical conditions breastfeeding is difficult for some and if a women chooses to bottle feed her child then three cheers for her, her baby is not going to starve to death.

I’m tired of the pathetic attitudes that surround this topic. How do other nations and races handle this natural situation?? Most probably with maturity that is lacking in this great nation of Australia. I suggest that we all grow up and start supporting each other with a big group hug….hang on, is that even allowed these days?? Hugging??

I am Angry

I am angry when control freaks get their way

I am angry when good ties get severed because of some stupid rule

I am angry when one person can influence everyone into thinking that love, kindness and compassion is a bad thing

I am angry when I feel powerless

I am angry that there are those who think they know

I am angry that I have to explain that my normal looking child has a disability and his behaviour is not due to my bad parenting style.(just shut the f$#%  up you experts!!!)

I am angry when I am underestimated

I am angry when I see injustice

I am angry when stupid rules are put into place over basic human needs

I am angry that my mum died

I am angry that I have less family members alive today

I am angry when people don’t get it, even when my articulation has been made clear (clearly not for some arrogant, up them self, pious individuals)

I am angry when I am patronized

I am angry that I have tried my best to fit in

I am angry when I get advice that makes me feel worse than I already feel

I am angry when I am not heard

I am angry that sickness took my mum

I am angry that I always need a strategy in dealing with my son’s behaviours

I am angry when those strategies don’t work any more and I have nothing left

I am angry when breast-feeding nazi’s put guilt on those who bottle feed their baby (for goodness, sake some of us get no milk or our baby cant suck because they have a soft cleft palate)

I am angry and I need help!!!

Weekly Photo Challenge: Resloved

It is my resolve to accept help and not sabotage those who are willing to give it.

It is resolved, that I shall put the cape down and say I’m done, bring on all that there is out there for me.

I put my hands up and say I need you God and I need my village.


Weekly Photo Challenge: My 2012 in Pictures

January  This is the month where I spent a day with my cousins at Minnamurra river where we scattered our Grandparents and their Mother’s (my Aunty) ashes. We then grabbed some fish and chips while we reminisced about our family, the river and what is was like to grow up by the river.



February  I went for a lot of walks around the lake and really started to appreciate where I live.


March I read this book and really enjoyed it as I could relate to it. I thought that I would never read Jodi Picoult again but this one is worth it.  I was also doing one subject so I had more time to read a book


April I drew this picture as I went for a walk around the lake and started to get sick of how an artist is undervalued in this society. God made me to be an artist and what I do is of high value no matter what this society tells me.


May  This is where I began to realise that it’s not okay for people to patronize, condescend or undervalue what I bring to the table. I may be a quirky girl who drums to a different beat to the rest of the world but that doesn’t mean that I became the joke of society….although I am funny and can make people laugh at funerals!!!


June This is when I started the whole “be kind to yourself” thing. Having a cuppa in the sun while reading….nice.


July Now this is an awesome memory as I took it when I was on my getaway

August Now things are getting brighter. This is me taking my paints to the garden and discovering how even more awesome a community garden can be. This is also called being kind to myself.


September Oh my goodness!!! now it’s getting really exciting as i begin to create installation works with stuff I find at the garden!!!!


October Like I said, the excitement is building with  creativity flowing like a river as I take the plunge of making a butterfly palace and teepee…..life is good 🙂


November Now this is very cool, my bff moved back to the area!!!!!!


December And last but not least….Merry Christmas and a happy new year xxxxx