But I don’t want a Monopoly on Pain

Quite a number of years ago I was part of a writer’s  group held at a lady’s house who had a passion for people to pen their memoirs. Every week it would cost $11 and we would sit around a table with yummy snacks and commence with our writing exercises  This was such a great time in my life as I was exploring another creative expression that I could add to my artistic repertoire.

I attended this group for a number of years when after some time, one of the other writers seemed to want to get out her knives an attack me every week. It came to a head one week as I was reading out a piece of my work, when she went on the war path claiming that she felt sorry for me because I was too happy!!! She just kept pouring out the wrath with a condescending attitude that left me defending my own painful experiences in life until I burst into tears and said “Why are you picking on me? Your not the only person who has experienced pain in their life???”

This woman was suffering from the grief of losing her mother to Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t seem to see past her own pain. It had tainted her view on everything that seemed to give her permission to attack anyone who had joy in their life.

Why am I thinking of this woman now after all this time?

I don’t want to become like her and think that I have a monopoly on pain.

Right now I am in a place where any advice that I receive just gets thrown back at the person because I’m done with advice. I say F you constantly in my head to anybody who annoys me and have been having public melt downs quite frequently. I am heavy with the grief of losing my mum and I am laden with the ongoing grief of having a child with a disability.

I am in battle with my soul as I do not want to feel sorry for myself and have been quick to embrace the life I have before me, yet I am tired of dealing with it. I have been finding myself feeling sadness that my child has not developed at the pace of his peers. That when I went to playgroup he’d have melt downs, that he hates the Wiggles, that he’d rather watch the NEWS then be entertained by Playschool.

I have been quick to be positive about my life and I’ve always been that person who will be okay no matter what happens in my life but right now I am suffocating  in pain and it seems like nobody gets it. I do not want to be overcome with bitterness like that women from my past, I don’t want to give myself permission to me rude to my fellow human kind. and go on the attack.

I want to be free and forgive. I want to have Grace with others. I want more of The Father’s love. I want more of Heaven’s plan. I want to swim in the river of life. I want to be healed.

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