A couple of years ago I used to get annoyed when people would describe me as different or unusual. I don’t mean that I resist on being different but I was annoyed because for some reason this quality seemed to put me in a place where I was often made to feel underestimated. I do get it that people see me as a little quirky and I embrace that. It’s cool to be different.
So what was bothering me? As I mentioned before I often felt underestimated but in all fairness to others, I was underestimating myself.
When I started getting really poopy about this scenario I would simply go to God and ask Why am I getting so upset about this?? GRRRRR.
God heard my heart cry and began the healing process. Part of that was to just stop underestimating myself, to stop relishing in self-pity and embrace the quirky that God has made me to be.
I am quirky; hear me do heaps of stuff you never thought of doing………….ROAR
Today It doesn’t matter at all if I am underestimated as I know that my heart is healed. If I get judged, it’s okay. I saw a comical image of Jesus and he was saying to me “check this out Tamar, I’m dangling on the cross taking it all for you. everything babe, every false accusation, every nasty word that was directed your way, every stuff up you did and every soul crushing curse”.
I am free and my heart is full of joy. My Promotion comes from the favour of God and if God opens the door for me then no person can ever close it. I now move forward in confidence.
I really don’t think that I could write too many words that express how awesome this is, except how good is it to see people happy and dancing. When you see a happy person having a good time you don’t really see the disability, you see joy and possibilities.
To all of my friends who are effected by disability, this is for you 🙂
Life for me lately has been pretty good and it feels like I have been feasting on the fruit of joy. It’s supernatural, as this is something that I have not experienced before. I know this, as I have always been a happy person who copes through life no matter what happens. The past year has been the exception, but anyone would go nuts with how my life has panned out for the past 7 years.
How did this happen??
All I can say is that hunger to know The Father and spend time in the loving arms of God has increased and every time I take a small step towards God, he takes a big step towards me.
One night I was having a little dance listening to Our Father on YouTube
I was getting into it so much that my engagement ring flung off (it was just like diamonds and gold falling from heaven……not!!). I then went to bed and the air was alive with the sound of distant thunder and crickets singing loudly. I saw lightning and then I saw a vision of me running from a beautiful room and into the hands of God and I was safe.
I feel safe and secure for the first time in ages and I am living it up!!! It is time to obtain my yield and believe what God says about me. I’m going to plant a garden in my back yard and make a teepee, I will get a job and no one is going to underestimate me any more. The time for that is passed. I will love this place where I live like I’m living the dream and my heart will yearn for what is possible. I will be the leader I am called to be and will do it with Grace. This is a great day and I’m eating the fruit of joy that is beyond this world!!!
I’m always amazed that when I do my cafe journaling the random people who I meet. Today it was an elderly gentleman who had no where else to sit, so he asked if he could sit opposite me. I love and welcome these random moments as it happens to me regularly and by shutting them down I would be missing out on something. I welcome it because of the interesting conversations that we have. If someone is bold enough to sit opposite some random chick with a journal and pen then the conversations are as equally bold and interesting. Rarely will I have a shallow “how’s the weather?” conversation with these random’s. No, they are deep and meaningful often resulting with happiness from both party’s.
This brings me to question my word usage of “random’s” as I feel that they are more like divine appointments. Each person that comes before me has some deep level thing they want to say. Equally important, each person whom I’ve met in this situation want’s to hear something deep and not be some random person passing by through the crowd of humanity.
I think that these random (divine) moments are showing me that deep down we all want to belong. We all need community and we long for the street and public places to belong to us again. We desire that when we walk down the street or go to cafe’s, we are met with kindness and greetings. Bring back the street party without the legal ramifications or the unsafe trampoline. Remember a time when you could play with the neighbours on the condition that you be home as soon as those street lights turn on.
So what does it all mean to me? I’m going to continue doing this until otherwise notified. By notified I mean when my routine has another change and I’m unable to do this cafe journaling so frequently. At the moment it’s giving me joy so I’m lapping it up and going for the ride.
I think back to when I first became a Christian, I was 17. Like most people in the world I’ve experienced my share of hardship’s in life. I can can truthfully say that the ribbon that runs unbroken through my interesting life has been my walk with Jesus. I ponder about what a magnificent journey it has been and I have no desire to exchange the very thing that gives me strength to keep on going through whatever life has thrown out on the path before me.
I have the Joy, it gives me strength, it makes me laugh when there is no reason to laugh. I’ve heard it been said that Jesus is my imaginary friend who I talk to. So be it, to me Jesus is a reality that I base my whole lifestyle upon. It’s that rock that has seen me through many a trial and disturbance. I’ve seen many answer’s to prayer and I’ve seen visions, had dreams, been set free and I’ve been able to make the most wonderful connections with friends.
Today I want to lift Jesus high and I am not ashamed of the true connection that I have with the living God. I want to declare his freedom and love. I want to be astounded by his authority and captivated in the wonder of his creation. This has been going on since I was 17 today I am 38 and The Joy of the Lord has not worn of after all these years.