Weekly Photo Challenge: The World Through Your Eyes

I was at coffee Yesterday with my carers support group. I took these photo’s from where I sat.

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Yeah for going Slow

Today I started Study Period 2 and I am only doing one subject this time. As a result of dropping a subject I already feel good about my future studies. This morning I felt a sense of relief as I logged into my student portal to retrieve my learning modules and it was at that moment when knew that I was going to enjoy the next three months of study. This calmness of mind helps me to digest what I am reading and makes me feel confident of potential good performances.

I am not in a hurry to become a teacher as I already am one and have been for many years. I’m not in a hurry as I feel that the journey is way more important then just getting a degree. I don’t want to be a person who just does things to tick the boxes because really, where is the enjoyment of that???

I have always been a person who needs to go slow as my brain does not pick things up well when things are lightning speed. I always say that I am the Tortoise and often quote “It’s the tortoise who got there first”.

I also think that multitasking is overrated and if you can do it successfully then know that  you are gifted. I, alas do not have this gift as my stress levels bombard me with overwhelming feelings of “I can’t do this”.

Today as I took the slow road I felt so much better about everything, I could stop and ponder my assignment with happiness rather than impending doom, I could get excited about making plans, I could enjoy my coffee, I could enjoy my day and I can smile about tomorrow.

This is a topic that I never tire of as the pressures of this world often tries to gobble me up, however I am thankful to God that I was created with good intrapersonal skills to know myself and am able to get back on the slow track of life. As I ponder this topic further I often wonder if we were meant to be living a fast pace life. For some, I think they need to live fast as they might get bored otherwise but for others like me; feeling groovy is way better than getting there quickly. On that note here’s a little tune that sums up what I’m feeling.

But I don’t want a Monopoly on Pain

Quite a number of years ago I was part of a writer’s  group held at a lady’s house who had a passion for people to pen their memoirs. Every week it would cost $11 and we would sit around a table with yummy snacks and commence with our writing exercises  This was such a great time in my life as I was exploring another creative expression that I could add to my artistic repertoire.

I attended this group for a number of years when after some time, one of the other writers seemed to want to get out her knives an attack me every week. It came to a head one week as I was reading out a piece of my work, when she went on the war path claiming that she felt sorry for me because I was too happy!!! She just kept pouring out the wrath with a condescending attitude that left me defending my own painful experiences in life until I burst into tears and said “Why are you picking on me? Your not the only person who has experienced pain in their life???”

This woman was suffering from the grief of losing her mother to Alzheimer’s disease and couldn’t seem to see past her own pain. It had tainted her view on everything that seemed to give her permission to attack anyone who had joy in their life.

Why am I thinking of this woman now after all this time?

I don’t want to become like her and think that I have a monopoly on pain.

Right now I am in a place where any advice that I receive just gets thrown back at the person because I’m done with advice. I say F you constantly in my head to anybody who annoys me and have been having public melt downs quite frequently. I am heavy with the grief of losing my mum and I am laden with the ongoing grief of having a child with a disability.

I am in battle with my soul as I do not want to feel sorry for myself and have been quick to embrace the life I have before me, yet I am tired of dealing with it. I have been finding myself feeling sadness that my child has not developed at the pace of his peers. That when I went to playgroup he’d have melt downs, that he hates the Wiggles, that he’d rather watch the NEWS then be entertained by Playschool.

I have been quick to be positive about my life and I’ve always been that person who will be okay no matter what happens in my life but right now I am suffocating  in pain and it seems like nobody gets it. I do not want to be overcome with bitterness like that women from my past, I don’t want to give myself permission to me rude to my fellow human kind. and go on the attack.

I want to be free and forgive. I want to have Grace with others. I want more of The Father’s love. I want more of Heaven’s plan. I want to swim in the river of life. I want to be healed.

Reading Novels again :)

I’m feeling quite refreshed right now as I have decided not to partake in Study period 4 and to just enjoy the Christmas break. Last year I nearly had a breakdown and I am determined that holiday’s should be a holiday.

One of the enjoyable things that I like to do is read novels and here is a tower that I got from the library the other day

Last night I finished the first book of the rank The Song House by Trezza Azzapordi.  An intriguing book that kept me going, but a bit disappointed at the conclusion.  I still recommend it as a good read though.

Anyway this is me doing one of the things that I love and hope others will find the time to do likewise. It’s worth it for good mental health (for me anyway).

Sushi- I call it happy food!!

When ever I have sushi it makes me feel happy and that’s why I call it happy food. I don’t know if there is any scientific proof that backs my theory but it works for me.

I didn’t think that I was a person who would like sushi but since giving it a go I have to say it’s pretty awesome!

I have been quite depressed of late, which is strange for me as I am usually a happy little chappy but never mind we all get a crack at it sometime or another!! (a bout of depression that is)

Today I was kind to myself and went for a drive to my home town to replenish my tower of novels. I then went for a walk down the street and got me some sushi mmm mmmm.

A library visit, coffee, my happy pill, a walk in the sun, sushi and happiness 🙂

Nice

I’ve cut down all my trees

This is a very odd statement but it describes how I currently feel right now.

I have always been a coper in life knowing that my inner resources were in tact and well able to get me through whatever obstacle’s  that would come my way. Today, not so.

If my inner strength were trees then I have cut them all down and all have been consumed.

I know this because I have been crying everyday for about a month (perhaps more) and I have cried at every social place that I go to. I burst into tears at Coffee group, My time, Church, Kidzwish (a local charity), at my son’s school and at the shopping centre.

I had to finally ask myself “am I depressed???” I took myself to the Doctors this week to address my swollen ankles and heart palpitations and the good news is, my body is okay. It would be very easy for me to overlook the emotional side, as I’ve always been strong on the inside but when you have chopped down all of your trees????

In the past I have survived on being stoic but I can no longer rest on that, I can no longer say I’m okay when I’m not and I can no longer be like the black knight in the Monty Python And the Holy Grail!!! “It’s just a flesh wound”

I have to get real and accept whatever help I can get and it’s okay to say I’m not okay!!!

I need to do a swap with God: give him my burdens for his Grace…Awesome, bring it oooonnn with an anti-depressant included 🙂

Yes me!! taking a happy pill….I’m feeling good already. I thought that I would never see this day but I am walking away from stoicism, so it’s a given that I have to do things differently.

If you are like me and are struggling to EVEN recognised that you are  depressed then ask your loved ones for their opinion. If they say yes then seek help!! Go to your local GP, check out what is available to you but get help!!!!…..Don’t worry I am preaching to myself!!!!!!!!

Here is a check list that may be of assistance. HAPPY HAPPY JOY

But all children do that!!…do they really???

If there is one statement that gets on my nerves since finding out my son has VCFS it is this:

Oh but all children do that!!

Sure…… all children chuck tantrums, push the limits, want what they want and want it now blah blah blah blah blah.

But can I just express how it makes me feel when people say this to me?

  • I feel patronised
  • It compounds my frustration
  • It generalizes my experience and makes me feel like my difficulty isn’t valid
  • I feel as though I am unheard
  • It makes me want to shut down and not talk about how hard it is to bring a child up who displays autistic traits
  • It makes me feel worn out

I am not the person who seeks sympathy, I just need validation. I try not to windge about my circumstances but when I share about my life with a child who has a disability I cop the dreaded statement Yeah but that’s just kids. Please, just hear me.

I have a child who chucks three-year old tantrums in a near seven-year old body. Do all children do that? ?My son has obsessions that drive you crazy, like at the moment, it is watches and he constantly goes on about the time….ummmm I’ve listened to 6-7 year old conversations and they don’t sound like that!!!! My son has always been an absconder. Funny, in my experience I notice  how all the other children sit nicely and participate with designated activities while my son does his absconding trick and then I’m on the run to chase him!!!

Please, I ask If possible when talking with a mum or dad who has a child with any type of disability or ASD and they begin to share their experiences with you I ask that you refrain using the statement Oh but all children do that. 

If you use it with me I simply will not believe you.

Sorry for the rant but I’m feeling a bit fragile right now!!