Feeling Groovy….and really happy too!!

For a long time now I have been having a bit of a break down of some kind. I would say that the beginning of last year I was depressed but the second half has been high anxiety, however I am seeking help and those practical things like medication and seeing a psychologist seem to be working.

Other than those practical things, which are important, I have been getting deeper into the knowledge of the love of God. I am discovering after 23 yrs of knowing Jesus, that the love God has for me is more than I will ever know. I am discovering that there is always more and I will never reach the end of The Father’s love no matter how far I go.

I am discovering that I don’t have to be like a camel in the desert just wondering from one watering hole to the next, that My Father in Heaven has a paradise and longs for me to experience his love daily. I have discovered that I lacked trust in God to be my provider but through this journey I am recognising that every day I need to rest upon his chest.

I am recognising that I do not need to strive but cast my burdens onto Jesus who cares for me, to be still, to rest and to mount up on wings like an eagle and fly under the currents of the Holy Spirit.

Since all this crazy love has been revealed to me in a more deeper way,  I have been having wonderful visions and have been experiencing waves of happiness.  It’s like I have been gobbling happiness down like fruit and as a result I have been doing some quirky things around the house such as, making my living room feel like a tree house.

Yesterday I put green material on the wall and I feeeeeeel gooooooood!!!!!!!!!

Welcome to my tree house

Journey

I  know that I’ve used this song before but I felt that it was fitting to use it with this image that  is seen below. This song evokes something in me just like the image. It’s like a stirring within me that shows me how thirsty I am for the presence of God. I am a person who is emotionally self sufficient and some would say, that I am a coper.
I have never been needy and sometimes I have judged others who appear as though they are. Sometimes being this way makes me forget how much God wants to bless and look after me. As much as I have the ability for emotional  sufficiency  God still wants to nurture my soul with His tenderness and love. This walk is a journey. It is one step in front of the other. It is surrender and exchange. It is love.

Journey, worn, old, tired, afraid, stories, adventure

trust.

Take the leap, uncharted, new, stepping out,

freedom.

Pain, turbulence, humility,

lost at sea.

Found again, return, not to the past, return,  to the beginning.

not my own understanding

trust.

This is the long haul,

love,

joy, peace, patience,  kindness, goodness,

faithfulness, gentleness,  self-control

the nourishment of them

shall sustain you

along the way

trust.

Yielded, pliable, surrendered

comfortable, complacent,

indifferent, sentimental wanting yesteryear.

shut down

lost.

but not for long.

The Captain is here.

Love

Believe, courage, continue on

With feet planted firmly on the rock

trust and obedience.

The journey continues

one foot on front of the next

forward

to brighter days.

Days that can not be imagined

yet waiting

resting

hiding in the wings of refuge

knowing safety within the fortress.

Protected

Providence

It is finished

Revelation Jesus!!


 

This is an artistic interpretation that I painted of Jesus Christ featured in the book of Revelation. It’s an image that I had thought about for a long time and after much pondering and prayer I gave it a go. When I was doing my research into Revelation I was mightily blessed as it says in the word “Blessed is he who reads and those who hear the words of this prophecy, and keep those things which are written in it; for the time is near. – Rev 1:3”

I started with many preliminary sketches first, as it is a common artistic practice of mine to do. So therefore armed with sketches and scriptures I embarked upon my mission to paint Jesus in the sky. It was a joy to paint and a blessing to research.

My Getaway!!

The thought of a getaway with just myself had never occurred to me before. I feel like I’m a happy and calm person in spite of the drama’s that rage about me like a frenzied storm. Recently My Husband and I were challenged to seek out time alone as life with a child who has a disability can be very stressful.

My Husband jumped at the chance and his time away really did have a calming effect on him. His first night away he rang us crying as he missed us but the next night he was fine. (I’ve probably just embarrassed him AGAIN!!)

Even though it wasn’t my turn yet I felt calmer as well. It was really quite easy to deal with my Son and it felt like there was less stress in the house. When Jason came home it was great and you could see how the time apart had greatly benefited everyone in the family.

So now it will be my turn next week and I am so excited about it. I’ve booked a cottage and I have no great plans except to just enjoy the time. I’m looking forward to uninterrupted sleep and the thought that I wont need to get anyone ready for bed and school and all those mummy things one has to do.

I feel a surge of excitement that I never expected to feel. I didn’t think that I needed it, truly I am a coper and I forget that really I must take that time out and recharge.

I reflect on the past six years of our lives and they are full of drama’s that we did not ask for. There has been job loss, bankruptcy, repossession of one car and accident with the other, our child needing surgery, our child being diagnosed with VCFS, my mum getting sick and needing oxygen twenty-four seven and then eventually she passed away.

Through all of these things I have kept my Faith in God and that’s probably why I haven’t had a full breakdown but don’t get me wrong I have had meltdowns and bawled my eyes out here and there.

I really think that this getaway is a gift that I must take, enjoy and come back refreshed and ready to go. I also see it as a vital part of our self-nurturing plan, in order to maintain the longevity required for being a carer of a child who has a disability.

Today was a scramble

Today was a scramble, I slept in. When my alarm went off instead of pressing snooze I turned it off because it annoyed me. I was having a lovely dream, watching my Son enjoying his new school activities. Next thing I know, i’v opened my eyes and the clock says 9:30am!!!!

Immediately I flung myself out of bed, rushed around and got ready to Take Zachy to preschool. We were an hour late making me behind schedule for my cafe journaling appointment. Being late is not such a drama, but at this time of  year it’s a scramble to get a car space at the shopping center.  When I arrived the car park was just starting to get that cramped, busy  car park rage potential feeling.  When one enters such moments it’s best to remain calm and just take it easy.

I took my advice and remained calm, got over the disappointment of being late due to my arrogant’s towards the alarm. I was polite and let other motorist’s get there first (well they were actually there first). I found myself stuck behind one motorist who was waiting for somebody to vacate their car park. Instead of going around I just waited and to my pleasant surprise anther somebody came along and kindly vacated their spot so I could just glide in nicely and better still it was in a very convenient location!!!

Now here comes the next scramble, the one for a seat at Gloria Jeans. The place was packed and I ask myself “Am I going to get a seat?” I nearly lost a bit of my calmness at this point as the people in front of me were fussing about. “oh my gosh will you just pull your finger out Love???” However I decided that it was best to have a good attitude and just have faith that God will provide a seat.

Good news, I got a seat and it was a nice cozy seat too. I used this moment to reflect upon our current home situation. We need to look for a new place and the rental market is very competitive at the moment. You go to look at one property and there is 40 people all lined up. I’m telling ya now, it’s a scramble and I’m stressed out. This is a time when I need to tell myself to  just trust in Gods provision. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s my only hope in a scrambling scary world.

Letting go of the dream and embracing a new one!!

It was my dream for my son who has VCFS to attend the school that my husband I went to. It’s the closest nearby school and has many memories that are sentimental and powerful. When my son was born that’s the school that I’d thought he’d attend, no deviation from the plan. However, as time has swiftly moved and circumstances have taken me by surprise I’ve had to rethink the dream.

At the beginning of the year I can say that the thought of Zachy going to school would send me in a moment of worry and concern toppled with much anxiety.  His toilet training and his functioning age was very much behind peer’s his own age. There was also tears of just feeling overwhelmed by the whole school thing.

Sometime mid year I was encouraged to visit schools that had an IO unit as my Son had recently been diagnosed with having a moderate intellectual disability. I visited three in total and was impressed with them all. I then began to change my mind about holding him back a year as these schools have a wonderful program and attitude towards children like my son. The fact that my Son is still in nappy’s, dribbles madly gets distracted and lost  is a non issue. I feel that my son will be nurtured and yet challenged, accepted and taught with excellence and encouragement to bring out his abilities.

The thought of school now excites me and I realise there is a whole different world other than my fixed dream to embrace. It’s what you make it and this VCFS journey before me is full of adventure and quite often the unknown.  I do put my trust in Jesus and know that whatever happens I will be okay. We all have dreams but sometimes the dreams need a little adjustment.