Basking in the Sun

Today I basked in the sun.

It’s not as poetic as it sounds as I locked myself outside and had no choice. Even though the southern hemisphere is currently doing winter, it was such a splendid day and the sun shone with the warmth of spring.

The most remarkable thing about the title of this post is that since my mum passed away I have not been able to say basking in the sun without some heartache involved. The day my mum passed away I was basking in the sun.

It was a cold but sunny day and we were concerned about her all day. My husband went and picked up a sample that I then took to the doctors on mum’s behalf. My husband seemed worried that day so we kept calling her to make sure that she was fine. I was going to pop in the arvo to check on her and while I waited I sat outside to bask in the sun.

My house was freezing and the sunshine warmed me but my soul but anxious as I was worried that my mum’s time might be over soon. After some time I walked over to mum’s house and let myself in as I had a key. I found her asleep and I asked her if she wanted a glass of water as she looked a bit funny. I could not arouse her so it was time to call an ambulance and the reality of my mum’s mortality was realised.

To me, the passing of mum was not the most traumatic thing of the death but its aftermath. I had made my peace with her, God, death and myself. Two years prior to her death mum let me pray for her and in that moment I introduced her to Jesus. In the last two years of her life she had quality in spite of having a debilitating lung disease. The hub of my relationship with her was sweet, therefore her passing was okay with me.

What was traumatic was everyone else’s grief. I seriously could not cope with it and just wanted to run away. One day I was so distraught that I walked through our local shopping centre like a zombie, sat at the bus stop and considered getting on a bus and taking off. Where was I going to go? Anywhere, away, far far away!!!!

Today the pain has eased and I again can bask in the sun without the accusation of false guilt. I did not know that when I was basking in the sun that my mum was leaving us. Who could have known that was to be the day??

Good bye mum and while I wait till we meet again I shall bask in the sun guilt free. I shall be full of happy memories of the life that you lived and be ever thankful that God let me be your daughter. In the meantime I have a son who needs me to be happy and teach him the great things you taught me, therefore basking in the SON is a necessity!

Funny Story (but should I be laughing?)

Today I heard the most funny story that even now I’m still peeing my pants thinking about it.

Every Friday I go to a coffee support group with other mum’s who have a child with a disability. Today as we were chatting, conversation  steered toward the topic of loved ones who have requested that their remains be scattered in the ocean. During this interesting exchange, Marge (one of the mum’s) told us of a story that was told to her.

She said that she had met a bloke who told her that when his mum passed away he did as she requested, through her body in the ocean. Marg was assuming like most people  that it was her ashes, however, he continued by saying;

After mum had passed away in the hospital I took her body, put her in a wheel chair and took her to my car. I then drove her to the harbour and asked someone who owns a boat if he would take me out to the ocean so that I could throw her body out to sea. When we were far enough out to sea I rolled her body over the side of the boat.

Needless to say he got into trouble and couldn’t understand all of the who-ha!!!!!

When it’s my turn

Today I went to a funeral of a lady who I’ve known for about 20 years. Even though she wasn’t regularly in my life I have never forgotten the impact that she made during the time I’ve known her. It was a sudden death and a huge shock and reminded me that no body knows when it’s time to take our last breath. Even though my mum was ill and had been for a while, her death was as equally a shock and hard to deal with.

All of this has made me think of my own departure and how I want it to be conducted. When it’s my turn I want to make it easy as possible for my loved ones left behind. I’m not meaning to be morbid but I see it as being responsible and thoughtful in a time of grief.

I think the first thing to do is have a will, which I finally sorted out just before Christmas. Having that in place is a legal document and it’s the assurance that the beneficiary’s will indeed benefit when I die. I think my next step is to write a letter to my Son. I want him to know that I love him and that his well-being is on the top of my priority list.  He needs to know that I treasure him more than my things and he can get rid of anything he wants to when the time comes.  I desire not to burden him with clutter but leave a legacy of the love of Christ.

Another step is to effectively live the life I want him be inspired by. Not only shall I write these things in a letter but I really must share these views with him on this side of eternity.  I need to communicate what is important so that he can just miss me and not have to be traumatised by any extra things that may arise when I’m gone.

I know this all sounds very heavy but it’s a reality and I want to deal with it as best I can. When Mum was  alive this kind of talk used to  freak me out. I can’t be freaked out anymore, there is no time for that. I am now a mum myself and I have a responsibly to my child. So this is a start of my expression of how I want it at my end. The letter to my Son will be private and shall be revealed to him at the right time but my everyday life wont.

This has been a hard blog to write, yet I deem it necessary. I hope it inspires some to talk about this topic and not to be too freaked out by it.

Just thinking of Mum

This is the second Christmas without my mum and I don’t feel as lost this year, but I still miss her. I was reflecting about what was important to mum and I know the Nigel and I were her  priority and then later when the Grand kids arrived it  included them too. The day before she passed away she babysat my Son. I’m glad she did as family was what made her proud and she got to do something lovely at the end of her life.

I’m glad I was the one who found her, I think she was counting on that as towards the end I noticed her confiding in me more. I think she knew the end was coming, I remember her telling me a couple of days prior to her passing that she was tired. We watched our mum bravely deal with her sickness and I truly believe that we were already grieving for six years before she died.

It’s scary to watch your mum get sick and the thought of her not being around is unthinkable and too hard to digest. She was like the strong tower in our life, the one who protected us from this mean and scary world. This is another reason why I’m glad it was me who found her and that I rang triple 0 and administered first aid. It was now my turn to be the mum and take charge, she was there at my beginning and I was there at her end. I hold on to  that thought selfishly and with absolutely no shame.

I love this picture of Mum,  she’s relaxed and enjoying my Son’s company

Mum and Zachy having a nice cuddle

So as Christmas is fast approaching I think of the year I had without Mum, no new memories but plenty of happy old ones. I am also proud of myself as I’ve managed life in her absence  and I can feel good knowing that she was the best example of what a mum is.

So here’s to my Mum, we are proud of her and she is not forgotten!!!!